Today I am posting an extract from the middle of my book, Light. In these two chapters of the book, Greg, the main character, is just beginning to work with the spiritual group called Journey of Light (JOL). He is also getting to know another JOL member named Joel. This section is significant because it details some of the ways that consciousness fields work through people via the human ego, and how these fields can be shifted by people who understand how they work.
The book is nearing completion, and will be available within a month or two. You can read more of the book at www.lightmysterious.com
I awoke the next morning feeling like crap. It was more than just the beer. It was like that one moment of eye contact with Angela had made my soul heavy. I spent the whole morning ruminating over what I’d done. If only it could have been undone.
It was a Saturday, and the Hall was pretty dead. It felt like a ghost town, and in my listless state I felt like a ghost. Then I got a text.
Heading for a workout at 2.00. Want to join me? Joel.
I still wasn’t quite confident about socialising with JOL members, but maybe a workout with Captain America was just what I needed. And in many ways Joel seemed like the most down to earth of those at JOL.
I rode my bike up to the gym and headed for the change rooms. I was hoping Joel wouldn’t be there at that precise moment. It would be bad enough competing with the guy in the gym, let alone the locker room. I had packed some baggy shorts and an oversized t-shirt. I whipped them on and strode out into the weight room where I saw Joel warming up in front of one of the very big mirrors. He was stretching and bending here and there, and of course his attention to his reflection was mere testament to his dedication to form. He was decked out in short shorts and a tank top, looking like Ivan Drago from Rocky 4.
When he saw me he smiled and shook my hand. Two of my fingers cracked. Luckily I was in a forgiving mood.
“Nice threads, man.” For once Joel was smiling as he checked me out. He must have thought my skinny legs were really funny or something.
“Thanks, you look pretty good yourself.”
“Today I’m doing chest and back. Is that okay with you?”
“Why not? I’m good for chest and back. I need a little extra work in those areas.”
“We’ll warm up first. I’ll do the first set, you spot me.” Joel threw about five hundred pounds on each side of the bar, lay on the bench and began to push while I stood over him. Not that he needed much help. He could’ve done the weight with one hand while checking himself out with a hand mirror held in the other one.
Next it was my turn. “Um, I’m a little rusty. I might need to go easy today.”
We grunted out a few sets. By the end of it I realised how out of shape I was. I asked Joel how much weight training he was doing.
“Not too much. Studying Mechanical Engineering isn’t that easy. I have over twenty hours of lectures a week. So I get in maybe four or five workouts. No more than two hours each time, though.”
“Shit. I could never do that.”
“No pain, no gain. You gotta push if you want anything in life these days. Nothing comes easy.”
“I noticed. But I like my down time.”
“Sure. That’s your choice. But the way I see it, either you take control of your life, or it takes control of you. If you wanna get big, you gotta think big.”
We moved onto another chest machine, and soon he was grunting out more reps on impossible weights. As I watched his ample chest pump up, I couldn’t help but thinking that something wasn’t quite right.
“What’s a guy like you doing in JOL? I mean, you don’t really look the new age sensitive type to me.”
“Who says you need to be sensitive?” He told me he’d started JOL a mere week before me, after just one session with Julie. I wondered why he hadn’t been asked to do a host of private sessions with Julie before being let into the group, like me. I felt a bit miffed about it. So I told him.
“You must have something that I don’t.”
Joel stood up from the machine, all puffed up like a rooster during mating season. He looked straight at me. “You are wondering why I got straight in? I can see why. It’s because I am straight forward. When I see a challenge I go for it. I don’t mess around or play games. If I like it. If I want it. I go for it.”
Joel wiped his jaw with his little towel like he thought he was in a soft-drink commercial or something. “But you? You are still indecisive. This way, or that way? That’s the way your mind works. I can see that much.”
I looked into his steely blue eyes. What a fucking hero, you are! If I stuck a pin in your steroid-inflated arse, you’d deflate like a balloon.
But FlexMan didn’t pick up my vibe. He was on a roll. “Control. Remember that. If you haven’t got control, you got nothing.”
I sat my butt down on the machine and ground out ten reps on a weight Joel could have done under Jupiter gravity. I didn’t want to make the big fellow feel too intimidated, after all.
After the workout I didn’t head for the locker room. I figured the room just wasn’t big enough for the three of us: me, Joel, and his ego. Instead I cycled back to the hall in my gym clothes.
To my surprise I actually felt good after all the exercise, and I came to realise something. Perhaps it was the cooling effect of the winter air rushing past my face, or the towering presence of the tall gum tress that lined the road that brought about the insight. Joel was onto something. As I peddled along, I relaxed and did a quick check to see if I was projecting any energy bat Joel. Actually, it was more like I knew I was sending him some strong messages, and it was time to pull my fat head in.
Fuck you, you big hero! You think you’re so damn good. I’m better than you are! I don’t need a pumped up body to make me feel I’m good enough. You are a fucking wanker!
It wasn’t that surprising to see what I was doing. The thiughts had been floating through my mind during my entire workout with the big fellow.
Next I reversed the process, and read Joel’s energy as it was being projected towards me.
I’m superior to you! Look at you! You’re puny. You haven’t got a chance with women when you are around me. I’m number one around here and don’t you forget it. You should be grateful I let you work out with me.
It was obvious, and had to admit it. I was threatened by Joel. I was just as much a wanker as he was. We both thought we were better than the other. As I rode my bike into the Hall carpark the whole drama suddenly seemed absurd, and I laughed. And as I did the way I saw Joel shifted. He wasn’t much different from me. We were just a couple of young guys making our way through the world. He was okay.
Back in my room I stripped off my shirt and hit a few double biceps poses in front of the mirror. I made a promise to myself not to be so insecure next time I had a workout with Joel, nor to judge him so easily. Besides. He was right. No pain, no gain. I needed to be more disciplined. I needed to get control of my life.
I made my way down the hallway and to the showers bare-chested and wearing only a towel. Sadly there were no chicks there to see me before my pumped-up muscles deflated back to their normal, puny size.
The next few weeks were uneventful, except for the fact that the insight into my issue with Joel had lifted my spirits. Rather than get lost in silly little conflicts with people, I could simply look inside myself to see what was pushing my buttons, then deal with the emotions I was feeling. That meant I didn’t have to waste energy on the bullshit dramas that plague most people’s lives.
It became clear to me that I didn’t need to go round seeing others as opponents, something I’d unconsciously been doing all my life. Joel and I met up again several times for workouts, and I found myself enjoying his company. He had a lot of knowledge about exercise and weight training, and because we were also in JOL together, we got on pretty well. I also started to put on a little bit of muscle, which I was happy about. I was even becoming a bit of a muscle head. I would get home from the gym and start flexing in front of the mirror. I reassured myself that I wasn’t becoming a total meathead, though. Those are the guys who pump up and flex before the mirror inside the gym itself. No sir. I was not like them.
Another reason my spirits were picking up was that JOL gave me a positive focus. Like magic, the world came alive again. I was able to see and feel at a deep level, just as I had a few months before. My uni studies blossomed too, as if the light had penetrated not just my spiritual insight, but my academic mind. My results picked up, and I was getting distinctions and high distinctions for my essays and reports. I felt smart again.
The darkness that had engulfed me after the breakup with Amanda and my problems with my studies had lifted. I had rediscovered my abilities, my light. But I didn’t just reappear in their old guises. They began to expand.
That was wonderful. At first. But the one thing that I was learning was that the universe loves to test us, to find out just how committed we are to what new think we believe. That next big test came on a Saturday morning at a JOL gathering.
“Okay, Greg, let’s see what Joel is up to today.” Julie was looking at me. I knew from the way she leant forward on her cushion and from her intense gaze that she was expecting something from me, something a little more than the usual.
The thing is that Joel had not turned up to the group. I had assumed that he had merely been held up. I was wrong.
“Joel has been given some time out.” She began. “He needs time to work through some issues that have come up for him.”
I stared at her. Time out? “When will he be back?”
“That depends on him. Just these past few days I began noticing quite a bit of dark energy channeling him. He was starting to psychically attack me. It has to do with some pain he experienced as a child, and his anger about women. He was sexually abused by his mother and older sisters.”
There were several gasps, but I’m sure mine was the loudest.
“Because I am an authority figure for him, he began to project the energy at me. His Little Boy was mistaking me for his mother. When I started seeing all this, I gave Joel a call, and we did a session at my place on the issue. As you can probably appreciate, this is not something that is easy for Joel to deal with. The pain and the shame of it run very deep within him. His Little Boy is deeply wounded. I connected with his inner child and showed him the truth of it. Unfortunately he hasn’t processed the consciousness at all. He is in denial. As a result his need for drama is too great right now. His consciousness field is really messing up the group. I can’t channel properly when people are trying to shut me down.”
I felt my stomach tighten. This was first exposure to the idea that you could be removed from JOL if you didn’t get your act together. What if Julie discovered some dark energy within me, and I couldn’t deal with it? Would I be kicked out?
JOL was beginning to feel like home to me. It was the one place in the world where I really felt that people could see me in all my humanness, all the darkness and light, and still accept me. Sure, it was stressful at times, and the requirements asked of us were great. But where else in the world could I find a place like this?
Julie continued. “When he gets the lesson, then I’ll be more than happy to have him back.”
Jane seemed just as concerned as me. “What if he doesn’t get the lesson?”
Julie was looking intently at Jane, even as she spoke. “Then he will have to deal with his stuff in his own time. It simply isn’t my responsibility to be a surrogate parent for naughty children. And I want this to be a lesson for all of you here.” She was looking around at each of us. “If you don’t shape up, then I will ship you out. That’s just the way it is.”
A nervous shudder went through me. What kind of spiritual teacher tells her student to get the hell out when the student goes through a rough time? What kind of woman would just remove intimate friends from her life? I didn’t need to wait for an answer.
“I like to think of you all here as family. But if you want to be part of Journey of Light you have to accept that in here I am the queen, and I have the final say in matters.”
I was fighting a sense of anger and judgment at what I was hearing. I was fighting it because I was scared that if Julie “saw” me, I’d be the next guy in deep shit. Fortunately her gaze turned back to Jane, who was voicing her fears.
“But how do you know Joel was sexually abused?” Jane was looking at her little brown boots as she spoke, not quite daring to look Julie in the eye. “Maybe Joel is just standing his ground to you.”
“The truth is, Jane, that there is a lie behind what you just said. Joel has full memories of the events. They occurred over a long period of time. So that is not the issue. The issue is his refusal to accept how the abuse has imprinted deep shame into his psyche and left him with intense anger at women.”
“Oh, sorry.” Jane was suddenly looking even smaller than usual.
“To be quite direct again, Jane, right now you too are really angry with me, and so are a few others here.” She threw a slightly intimidating glance at all of us, scanning the room from right to left. I could feel myself shift into a state of fear. But was Julie being paranoid? “The energy in the room is beginning to deteriorate because the doubt and fear that Joel is putting into the room right now, and I simply cannot work this way.” I had never seen Julie so serious. We could all see how important she thought this was. “And Jane, his energy is coming through you. Right now Joel has possessed you. He has got control of your Little Girl. This is how dark energy works. It seeks pathways that it can use to pass from one mental field into another. If we don’t deal with Joel’s energy right now this will get out of control.”
“Greg.” The sound of my name made me flinch. I was in the crap again.
But no, it was something rather more flattering. I was being asked to help out. “I want you to channel Joel. Cecilia, I want you to play out Jane. Show us what is really going on here.”
I stood up, more than a little nervous. It was the first time I was being asked to channel energy in front of the group. Would I be able to do it? What if nothing came to me? Still, I was relieved that it wasn’t me that was being focused upon.
I stepped into the circle, and I stood opposite Cecilia. But Julie hadn’t finished speaking yet. She was waving a thin finger around like a stern mother chastising naughty children.
“Don’t anybody here dare judge what we are about to see. I’ll be really pissed off if you do. It is your duty to witness this without judgment. If you care about Joel, if you care about Jane, this is whjat you must do.”
She sure wasn’t mincing her words. There was urgency in her voice. This was something important. Just how important we didn’t yet realise.
I looked over at Jane. The poor girl looked terrified, and I couldn’t blame her. This was about as invasive an act as was humanly possible: having another person delve into the depths of your mind and display your innermost thoughts and desires for all to see.
I turned to Cecilia, looking at her pale blue eyes. Then I let go. I brought Joel into my mind’s eye, then felt myself slip into his energy field. Instinctively I placed my hands on my hips and thrust them slightly outwards. I knew that this was something sexual. I gave voice to what came to me first.
“You want me, don’t you, Jane? Admit it, you dirty little woman. I’ve got it and you want it.”
Cecilia-as-Jane took a step closer to me and fell to her knees like she was worshipping some male god. “Oh Joel, you are so handsome. You are so masculine. I love you! Please take me, now!”
There was an echo of nervous laughter in the room. To some degree this type of channeling involved hamming it up, and what came out often revealed the ridiculous side of human intentions. But you had to stay true to the essence of the knowledge being revealed.
I could feel Joel’s contempt. He had no actual love for Jane. He was just playing a game, teasing her. “Yeah, beg for it! That’s the way I like it. All women are whores. They’re only good for one thing anyway.”
Cecilia was kneeling before me, and to put it bluntly, she was moving towards my sexual regions. I, as Greg, was a bit worried she might actually act out something explicitly sexual. But what I was to learn in my time at JOL was that when it came to channeling such projections of the psyche, we toned it down. Everyone would get the gist of it, without actually having to act it out to the letter. In this case there was no doubt what Jane was doing. She was giving Joel some good old fashioned sexual service.
“Oh Joel, I love you. I want you so much!”
I could feel that Joel had a deep control over Jane’s psyche. It was as if whatever Joel said, Jane would be compelled to act out.
Next, the energy shifted, and I felt Joel messaging Jane, instructing her on what she had to do. I pointed to Cecilia-as-Jane, and then to Julie. “Get her, Jane. Get Julie! She is a witch! She can’t be trusted. Destroy her!”
Cecilia-as-Jane stood up, walked over to Julie, hands outstretched like a serial killer programmed to kill, reaching for her next victim. “You must die!” Cecilia gently grabbed Julie by the neck in a feigned attack.
I had to admit that there was something about the way that Cecilia went about business at JOL that pushed my buttons. As I watched her go through this channeling before the group, I couldn’t help but also see the shadow side of Cecilia’s mind. It seemed obvious to me. Cecilia enjoyed the attention of it all, and craved the power that profound perception gave her. It wasn’t that I didn’t think she had any noble intentions, but the essence of what I saw was a young woman who wanted to be the boss. And there was more; there was something almost terrible I could sense within her, like a cold, ghostly wind sweeping across a barren landscape. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was exactly. But is scared me.
This is why, even as Cecilia and I were doing this channeling before the group, there was a troubling question playing out in the back of my mind. Why wasn’t any of this being brought forward by Julie? Was she blind to the shadow side of some of the students? Did she only approve of those she liked, and give those she didn’t like a hard time? Was she playing favourites? Whatever the truth, I kept the thoughts to myself. I didn’t want to make any trouble.
Julie had seen enough of the drama with Joel and Jane. “Okay, I think we get what is happening here.” She gestured for Cecilia and I to sit down.
I went to my cushion. But now there was a new feeling surging through me. Not only had I just read the psyche of another human being successfully, but I had been able to act out his energy in regard to one of his relationships. I felt genuine pride.
Then I looked over at Jane, and the feeling immediately shifted as regret flooded my system. She had her hands on her face, and she was sobbing. The drama that Cecilia and I had just acted out must have been humiliating for her. But had we even gotten the channeling right?
Julie spoke, breaking the silence. “I want everybody to fully acknowledge what they are feeling right now. It is not your responsibility to do anything except own your own feelings and projections. You are not to offer Jane a rescue. It is important that she get the lesson here. Any time you are feeling sorry for another person, you invite them to give their Little Boy or Girl to you. And while you are possessing them there is no way they can feel their pain, and no way that they can heal. We are not in the business of rescuing people here.”
As she spoke, Jane began to wail like a little baby, tears flowing down her face like warm rain. Warren Chen got up and threw a box of tissues in front of her before retreating to his cushion. Jane grabbed a handful of tissues and blew her nose, making more noise than a bugler on Anzac Day. Her body rocked back and forth, sobbing uncontrollably. To be honest, I was scared. What had we done? Was it an act of love just to let her sit there like that bawling her eyes out? Was this what JOL was all about?
After a minute or so Jane looked up, her eyes red. “Yes, it’s true.” She managed to get in short sentences between sobs. “I do feel for Joel. I never said anything of course, but I guess I have a crush on him. It’s just that nobody really cares about me. I don’t have anyone to love in this world.”
That really set her off. The wailing sounded like a cavernous echo across a broad valley. This was really hurting her. Big time.
Julie pointed to Michael. “I want you to act as her father.
“Okay.” Michael stood up with his usual minimum of fuss. He collected himself for a moment before moving towards Jane. He stopped when he was a metre or so away, and cleared his throat.
“Who are you? I don’t know who you are.”
Julie intervened. “Jane, this is all about your father. I think you know that. What would you like to say to your father right now?”
Jane pulled her head up, looking at Michael. She blinked, eyes red, sniffling, but didn’t say anything.
Michael-as-Jane’s-father continued. “Who are you? I don’t know you. I don’t have any daughter.”
“Yes, yes you do!” Jane wailed, resuming her rocking. She looked like a baby in its rocking chair. “I’m your daughter! I just want you to love me. Is that asking too much?”
“I don’t want you. Piss off.” Michael sat down where he was, turning his back to Jane. He moved his hand up to his mouth. “Yes, I feel like a beer. That’s what’s important right now. I don’t want any other responsibilities. I don’t have any children.”
Jane’s voice became even higher than usual. With her diminutive stature, it wasn’t hard to see her as a little girl. “Yes! Yes you do have a daughter!” She was angry. She thumped the cushion beside her.
“Nope. No I don’t. I have a nice, cold beer, that’s what I’ve got.”
Suddenly the air was pierced with a frightening scream, and it was coming from Jane’s mouth. She began banging on the cushion. There was rage, absolute rage written into her body, her face, her spirit.
“Yes you do have a daughter! I am here! I am here! Please love me Daddy, please love me!”
By this point several other members of the group had started to weep. Julie was going around, whispering to them, even as she gave out tissues. “Just own your feelings,” Julie spoke bluntly to everyone. “Don’t anybody dare rescue her!”
This was difficult; sitting there watching this small, plump, vulnerable young woman lose it. She looked no more than about fifteen years old as she cried like a helpless child. I had an instinctive desire in me to make her feel better, to go over and give her a hug. But we all had to keep our feelings on track. This was Jane’s battle, and nobody else’s.
Jane was repeating the same thing over and over. “What did I do wrong Daddy, what did I do wrong? Why don’t you love me?”
Michael-as-father was getting agitated. “Shut up! You are not allowed to talk. Shut your ugly little face!” He was still sitting, turned away from her.
But Jane’s energy was beginning to shift. She was moving out of the victim state, and more into her power. “No!” She was yelling. “No! I will not shut up! I will be heard!”
Julie moved in beside Jane, gently channeling her Little Girl. “I am worthy of love.”
Jane yelled the words. “I am worthy of love! I am lovable! I am here!”
“What is it that you really want to tell your father, Jane?” Julie was trying to get to the bottom of the issue. And as I looked on I could see clearly what it was that Jane wanted to do, to say. She wanted to tell him to go and fuck himself.
“I don’t know,” Jane sobbed. “What did I do, what did I do wrong, Daddy?”
Julie again: “And…?”
I don’t know, I... I just want to say…”
Julie pushed her. “Fuck you. You just want to tell your father ‘Fuck you!’”
“But I can’t! He’s my Dad.”
“He’s not a Dad.” Julie said quietly. “He’s a man-child. He doesn’t know the first thing about being a father. How can he be your father when he never grew up himself?”
“That’s right. I’m not a father.” Michael-as-Jane’s-father said nonchalantly, looking away from Jane. “I don’t care about you. I have better things to do.”
“Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up!” Jane pulled herself up, and something shifted within her.
“No, you shut up,” said Michael-as-father. You are just a child. Nobody wants to listen to you. I’m going away now.”
That did it. Like a great roar the words screamed from Jane’s lips like a jet plane roaring through the sky. “Fuck you! Fuck you! I hate you! I wish you were dead!” She was pounding the cushion with the last of her strength, almost exhausted. She fell forward, weeping uncontrollably.
Sensing that it was the right time, Julie moved over, grabbed the doll that Jane brought with her to the group, and sat down beside her. Jane took the doll, cradling it like a baby. For perhaps two minutes she simply cried. I had never seen an adult human being is such a state. She was a complete mess, and I couldn’t help but wondering whether this had all gone too far. But Julie seemed to know what she was doing. She was measuring energy every short while. Finally, she intervened.
“This is your Little Girl, Jane.” Julie pointed to the doll in Jane’s arms. “What do you want to say to her?”
“I love you. I’m here for you now.”
Julie gently assisted Jane to let her Little Girl know that everything was alright.
“Tell her it’s not your fault.”
Jane did just this, and I could see her energy begin to lift. Somehow Jane, as a little girl, had believed that it was her fault that her alcoholic father wasn’t there for her. She had blamed herself for his abandoning her and her mother. Now she was setting the record straight.
As the minutes went by Jane slowly returned to something like her normal self. But there was something different too. She had reclaimed a lost part of herself. Then there was one last thing Julie wanted Jane to do.
“Now, as big Jane, the person you are today, what would you like to say to your father. Remember that at some level, he can hear this. His spirit is involved in this process today.” Michael-as-father had turned around to face Jane. Jane’s voice became stronger, firmer. She was a young woman again.
“I want you to know that I am a woman. I am not your little girl anymore, and I will never give my power away to you again. I am a womanR! Do you hear me?”
Michael got up and stepped back. He was acting out the fact that Jane’s father’s energy was beginning to retreat from her, as she reclaimed her Little Girl from him.
Julie clapped her hands and smiled. “That’s it. If anyone would like to give Jane a big hug, now is the time.” There was relief all round, and I felt myself breathe easy again. “And you guys should all give her a big thanks, because this has been a real gift for all of us.” One by one we all came forward and embraced her. I was last. Maybe that was because I felt a little awkward towering over her. Or maybe it was just that the whole thing had scared me.
As we sat back down in the circle, Julie spoke again, her face wearing a smile. “Notice how the energy in the room has changed? Joel’s energy isn’t coming through Jane any more. It can’t. She has taken control of that needy part of herself that he was using to possess her.”
Everyone nodded. I could feel it too. It was as if the room was filled with fresh air. The heaviness was gone.
I looked around at everyone. There was just one thing I was thinking in that moment. This was an incredible gathering of human beings.